What?

- psst...Hey, what do I do with this?

- Just eat it, bro.

- Okay, okay, don't yell at me.

- Yea, just eat it.

- It tastes like a potato chip.

- What?  Yea it sort of does, doesn't it?

- So, what—some company produces these?

- I guess.

- In some factory...

- Yea, I guess.

- Oh...interesting.

- What?

- Nothing, it's interesting.

- What is?

- What do you mean?

- That your way of being clever?

- What do you mean?

- Are you making some commentary—come on, it's Mass, bro.  

- I'm not.

- It's just church.

- I know—I didn't—

- What's wrong with church?

- Nothing's wrong—

- Don't be wry.

- I'm not.

- You're being wry.

- I'm not being wry.

- It's just church.  

- I know. 

- Way to pick a time.

- I didn't say—

- Much, you didn't say much.  

- All right.

- Nothing to break the walls...You think you're saying anything new?

- No, sadly.

- You don't want one of these old timers to hear...

- I know—

- Your old one-two punch.

- I'm not saying anything.

- Yea, no getting up from that one...

- Didn't say anything.

- No getting up—what's wrong? You didn't get to blog or something this morning?

- I'm not saying anything!

- First you put your butt in the holy water.

- I thought it was an ashtray!  

- Whatever.

- Hey, when she gave me the chip—

- It's the body of Christ, man.

- Yea, I thought I should kneel down.

- That's stupid.

- I think I made my hands like a cup.

- She's not giving you porridge.  You're not Oliver Twist.

- I never read that book.

- But you know what I'm talking about...

- Yea, but I've never seen the movie either.

- I haven't either.

- Then how do we both know what we're talking about?

- Everyone knows.

- I don't know about those lyrics though.  Have you read them? I saw you singing.

- Yea I sing them all the time.  My back, man...

- All churches are the same.  One essential fact you can't escape: the awkwardness when you can't stand anymore and old men are still standing.

- No one's looking at you.

- The guy with the fishing net was.

- All in your head, bro.

- Actually, when I was reading through the lyrics, I was hoping he noticed. 

- I don't know why they get this guy, man...

- Notice and nod—

- The Nigerian priest—every time he delivers his sermon, you can't understand a word he's saying.

- I could feel him over my shoulder.

- He drives really fast, the priest—(aside) What?  What are they looking at?

- You're being really loud.

- He wasn't watching you read.  Come on, let's go. 

animal faces

- There she is.

- Who?

- My girlfriend.

- Oh, she's your girlfriend but she just doesn't know it yet?

- She's my Isabella.

- Which one is she?

- I'm not telling.

- Tell me, I won't say anything.

- No.  You'll say everything.

- No, I won't.  When have I ever messed with you?

- No, you'll fuck my shit up.

- No, I won't—I won't fuck your shit up.

- You won't fuck my shit up?

- No, come on, who is she?

- Why?  Are you jealous?

- Who is she!

- Fine...the one with the red hair.

- Oh, she's beautiful.  Hard to miss, too—God, I love her hair.

- I know, she holds the lien to my heart.

- Have you ever talked to her?

- Oh, no.

- Why not? 

- Because.

- How are you going to meet her if you don't approach her?

- Well, I'm already going out with her.  So I'm ahead of the—

- You have to start introducing yourself to girls.

- I don't want to make her jealous—

- Stop making jokes.  You have to start approaching them.

- No, they'll know.

- Know what?  

- None of your business.  

- Just walk up and talk to her.  You're a great guy—

- Yea, I know.

- You're nice, you're smart, you're really funny—girls love a sense of humor.

- No, I have an issue.

- Which is?

- I was working on my whiteheads—it's fascinating, really—and now there are red prints on the tip of my nose.  

- So?  

- She's going to say he's been poppin' whiteheads.  She's going to say it to her friends—they'll all laugh at me.

- Stop making excuses and go say hi.

- No, she's going to know I was looking at myself in the mirror.

- So, girls like guys who take care of themselves.

- Not me.

- Yes you do.

- Yea but she's not supposed to know.  It'll kill my mystique.

- You're too intriguing to take a shower?

- How's she going to think I'm humble if she knows I've been checking me out.

- She doesn't think you're humble.  Nobody does.

- Well, she's going to picture me.  She's going to know I want to have sex.

- No, she's not.  

- She's going to picture me making those faces.

- What faces?

- Animal faces!

- She's not going to think like that.

- I can't ever tell her I use the bathroom.

- Just walk up to her and introduce yourself.  

- Then what?  Where do I look?  

- Don't look around.  Ask her if this is her homegroup.  

- What if she says it's not—I'll kill myself.  

- Say you felt like introducing yourself and you'd like to have coffee sometime.

- But she's already drinking coffee.

- Quit stalling.  I'll walk up with you.  Having a girl next to you—

- You'll vouch for me.  Yea, I know—

- No—

- Here, just laugh, just laugh.

- What?

- Wait, she's not looking.

- No, we'll go introduce ourselves.  All she can do is say No.

- No way, I have trauma from middle school.  She's going to know she has power over me after she turns me down.

- She's not going to turn you down.

- She's going to say he's been poppin' whiteheads.  She's going to tell her guy friends—I won't ever be able to come back here.

- You can't let fear of rejection—

- I'll have to kill them.

- I used to go to a meeting just for this one guy to talk to me.  Finally, I got tired of waiting and just gave him my number. 

- Oh, jeez, that's pathetic.

- Fuck you!

- Well, what happened—you guys end up fornicating?

- Umm, no, but the worst that happened is he didn't call.

- He didn't tell reporters?

- All right, you ready? 

- I'm gonna have to tell her my past though.

- No you don't—you're saying hi.

- Should I tell her about my ex?

- No.  Just pay her a compliment.

- Well, I love girls who dye their hair.

- Don't say that.  Just compliment her.

- She's got a lot of tattoos—she's probably not a virgin, huh?

- That's none of your business.

- Right.  I'll tell her that.

- No, don't bring up her virginity.

- Right—

- And don't say fornicate either.

- Well, what kind of compliment is acceptable?  Compliments scream desperation.

- Tell her you like her skin tone.

- I've tried telling them I like their skin before!  It doesn't work.

- Let's go before she goes in.

- No, you go.  Tell her I'm a bit of a romantic.

- You're going to miss your chance

- Wait, no.  That other girl's there.  I don't want to say anything in front of her.

- Why not?  Who is she?

- My other girlfriend—I don't want to make her jealous.

- Fine.  Do what you want to do.  You can keep joking around and all you'll ever have is material.

- (mumbling as she walks away) Pageviews, here I come!