- There she is.
- Who?
- My girlfriend.
- Oh, she's your girlfriend but she just doesn't know it yet?
- She's my Isabella.
- Which one is she?
- I'm not telling.
- Tell me, I won't say anything.
- No. You'll say everything.
- No, I won't. When have I ever messed with you?
- No, you'll fuck my shit up.
- No, I won't—I won't fuck your shit up.
- You won't fuck my shit up?
- No, come on, who is she?
- Why? Are you jealous?
- Who is she!
- Fine...the one with the red hair.
- Oh, she's beautiful. Hard to miss, too—God, I love her hair.
- I know, she holds the lien to my heart.
- Have you ever talked to her?
- Oh, no.
- Why not?
- Because.
- How are you going to meet her if you don't approach her?
- Well, I'm already going out with her. So I'm ahead of the—
- You have to start introducing yourself to girls.
- I don't want to make her jealous—
- Stop making jokes. You have to start approaching them.
- No, they'll know.
- Know what?
- None of your business.
- Just walk up and talk to her. You're a great guy—
- Yea, I know.
- You're nice, you're smart, you're really funny—girls love a sense of humor.
- No, I have an issue.- Which is?
- I was working on my whiteheads—it's fascinating, really—and now there are red prints on the tip of my nose.
- So?
- She's going to say he's been poppin' whiteheads. She's going to say it to her friends—they'll all laugh at me.
- Stop making excuses and go say hi.
- No, she's going to know I was looking at myself in the mirror.
- So, girls like guys who take care of themselves.
- Not me.
- Yes you do.
- Yea but she's not supposed to know. It'll kill my mystique.
- You're too intriguing to take a shower?
- How's she going to think I'm humble if she knows I've been checking me out.
- She doesn't think you're humble. Nobody does.
- Well, she's going to picture me. She's going to know I want to have sex.
- No, she's not.
- She's going to picture me making those faces.
- What faces?
- Animal faces!
- She's not going to think like that.
- I can't ever tell her I use the bathroom.
- Just walk up to her and introduce yourself.
- Then what? Where do I look?
- Don't look around. Ask her if this is her homegroup.
- What if she says it's not—I'll kill myself.
- Say you felt like introducing yourself and you'd like to have coffee sometime.
- But she's already drinking coffee.
- Quit stalling. I'll walk up with you. Having a girl next to you—
- You'll vouch for me. Yea, I know—
- No—
- Here, just laugh, just laugh.
- What?
- Wait, she's not looking.
- No, we'll go introduce ourselves. All she can do is say No.
- No way, I have trauma from middle school. She's going to know she has power over me after she turns me down.
- She's not going to turn you down.
- She's going to say he's been poppin' whiteheads. She's going to tell her guy friends—I won't ever be able to come back here.
- You can't let fear of rejection—
- I'll have to kill them.
- I used to go to a meeting just for this one guy to talk to me. Finally, I got tired of waiting and just gave him my number.
- Oh, jeez, that's pathetic.
- Fuck you!
- Well, what happened—you guys end up fornicating?
- Umm, no, but the worst that happened is he didn't call.
- He didn't tell reporters?
- All right, you ready?
- I'm gonna have to tell her my past though.
- No you don't—you're saying hi.
- Should I tell her about my ex?
- No. Just pay her a compliment.
- Well, I love girls who dye their hair.
- Don't say that. Just compliment her.
- She's got a lot of tattoos—she's probably not a virgin, huh?
- That's none of your business.
- Right. I'll tell her that.
- No, don't bring up her virginity.
- Right—
- And don't say fornicate either.
- Well, what kind of compliment is acceptable? Compliments scream desperation.
- Tell her you like her skin tone.
- I've tried telling them I like their skin before! It doesn't work.
- Let's go before she goes in.
- No, you go. Tell her I'm a bit of a romantic.
- You're going to miss your chance
- Wait, no. That other girl's there. I don't want to say anything in front of her.
- Why not? Who is she?
- My other girlfriend—I don't want to make her jealous.
- Fine. Do what you want to do. You can keep joking around and all you'll ever have is material.
- (mumbling as she walks away) Pageviews, here I come!
