I went to my aunt's house to go through my grandpa's clothing. While folding we would laugh talking about him and she would smell his clothes. He was big and wore a lot of cream colored sweaters, dark cardigans, beanies and black berets. I told her I know a place that could use them. We laid the clothes out on her bed and began folding his clothing to put into separate bags. I watched her fold, and tried to make my bag presentable. When I noticed she wasn't paying attention, I would fold the shirt in my hand quickly and stuff it in the bag. When I think about it, I seem to prefer the clothing my parents bought him over the years to ones I've received. I usually just wear T-shirts. In this asshole climate, I rarely get to wear many layers, but he's old, you know? The top of his head was bald. My aunt and I looked through a couple articles of clothing so I could keep to remember him. I tried on a few items; everything was comfortable. I kept a couple light jackets hoping I can wear them in the evenings. I didn't want to keep anything that would just sit waiting for next winter. There's a place I know that lays out a thrift shop for homeless people. After their dinner, they can sort through the items on the tables and pick out what they'd like. Today in AA, someone shared a reading, the gist of which was to daily do something good for someone else without revealing your deeds. I think my grandpa's clothes are going to help a lot of people. He had a great wardrobe. I also picked out a short-sleeved white shirt, the kind you can wear in the summer and not have to tuck in. Over the white there's a soft blue and light blue design all around. I feel free in it, and asked her to fold it for me. Today I left the house wearing that shirt and immediately received complements about how handsome I looked. It made me want to be outside all day, and made me joke around in my head about wearing it every day. I rode my bicycle around the city late in the afternoon and into the evening. The sun was pretty hard, but still in a car I'd have to roll the windows up to take in the air conditioning. I felt handsome when I passed by women and I wasn't afraid. We have made five posts here this month, in spite of the drought. I have been using a computer to type and I take the laptop with me into the bathroom to write.
blogs and delusions
- Come on, don't hang up, Todd A.
- I don't know what else to tell you, kid. There's no fire and you're not providing much coal.
- I should have never hired someone named Todd A to be my blogs and delusions agent!
- You're only as good as your last post in this industry, you know that.
- Maybe you can get me into a commercial. We'll leverage it into a post. I'll be the husband, you find me a wife...like Scope:
Gee, I can't gurgle very well, honey.
There goes your porn career, I can say.
- Zingers? What happened to sit on them letters and make them bigger?
- Oh don't be so naive! The last oyster I had was on a weekend.
- Huh?
- Seafood is only delivered fresh up till Thursday.
- Whatever...and mouthwash? What happened to you, buddy? That's the fourth time this month you're recycling material—
- Fifth...(aside) sirunes.
- That ship has sailed with your Madame Bovary act.
- It didn't get me street cred?
- The street saw it.
- I used to google moogle her...
- The TMZ incident didn't help much either.
- Then I just googled her.
- Why don't you sublimate that energy into a letter?
- What is this, January?
- On second thought, you don't want to be a hamster on its plaything. You can wait till next year.
- Funny.
- Update her on your goings on each anniversary.
- Maybe I'll look for the Hemingway movie, try not to get worked up. I am Madame Bovary, anyway.
- Yea, see it with soft eyes.
- Don't patronize me, Todd A.
- There's only one Todd A.
- I liked the part he's standing, though. They got that right.
- The ego never fails for material. So what's the problem, cat?
- Dog. I don't drive much these days!
- I thought you said he was standing?
- Well at least he wasn't sitting!
- Maybe you could drive a cab for the time being, meet an interesting cast of characters.
- Can't smoke in there.
- You can get up and smoke while you're standing. Work yourself into a pace.
- What, am I going to write on the hood of my cab?
- Then you'll look more like Hemingway. Plus, you'll get some cash in your pocket.
- I get some cash, it's going to the Arabs, and you know it, Todd A.
- Ease up on how you say my name.
- Next thing you know I'm in the hole and they're saying I'm the head of ISIS. I gotta go check my pageviews.
- I don't know what else to tell you, kid. There's no fire and you're not providing much coal.
- I should have never hired someone named Todd A to be my blogs and delusions agent!
- You're only as good as your last post in this industry, you know that.
- Maybe you can get me into a commercial. We'll leverage it into a post. I'll be the husband, you find me a wife...like Scope:
Gee, I can't gurgle very well, honey.
There goes your porn career, I can say.
- Zingers? What happened to sit on them letters and make them bigger?
- Oh don't be so naive! The last oyster I had was on a weekend.
- Huh?
- Seafood is only delivered fresh up till Thursday.
- Whatever...and mouthwash? What happened to you, buddy? That's the fourth time this month you're recycling material—
- Fifth...(aside) sirunes.
- That ship has sailed with your Madame Bovary act.
- It didn't get me street cred?
- The street saw it.
- I used to google moogle her...
- The TMZ incident didn't help much either.
- Then I just googled her.
- Why don't you sublimate that energy into a letter?
- What is this, January?
- On second thought, you don't want to be a hamster on its plaything. You can wait till next year.
- Funny.
- Update her on your goings on each anniversary.
- Maybe I'll look for the Hemingway movie, try not to get worked up. I am Madame Bovary, anyway.
- Yea, see it with soft eyes.
- Don't patronize me, Todd A.
- There's only one Todd A.
- I liked the part he's standing, though. They got that right.
- The ego never fails for material. So what's the problem, cat?
- Dog. I don't drive much these days!
- I thought you said he was standing?
- Well at least he wasn't sitting!
- Maybe you could drive a cab for the time being, meet an interesting cast of characters.
- Can't smoke in there.
- You can get up and smoke while you're standing. Work yourself into a pace.
- What, am I going to write on the hood of my cab?
- Then you'll look more like Hemingway. Plus, you'll get some cash in your pocket.
- I get some cash, it's going to the Arabs, and you know it, Todd A.
- Ease up on how you say my name.
- Next thing you know I'm in the hole and they're saying I'm the head of ISIS. I gotta go check my pageviews.
- You know that guy?
- Who? Horseface?
- That his name? He go by Horseface?
- That's the name I gave for his face. Yea, I know him.
- He a friend?
- Hell no.
- Saw you was nodding towards him. Everyone here looks mean.
- They all look it. Some are. I got in it with him last week.
- The one you was nodding to?
- We came to blows. I wrestled him to the ground...or fell over him, or something.
- So why'd you nod?
- Cause he was nodding to me.
- He want to start it up again?
- Don't look it.
- You get him?
- I'm walking straight, ain't I?
- So why'd he nod? Sign of respect?
- I doubt it, I can't remember much of mine landing.
- He get some good ones in?
- They landed.
- Man thinks you the one calling truce, by the looks of it.
- Fuck him, I couldn't feel nothing from his.
- So how you guys in the same room greeting?
- I'm here to get my drink. He's here to do the same, I imagine.
- You cross paths, want I step in? He got his friends?
- Shouldn't be a problem. Thanks though. I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Man buys me a drink, I'll accept it. It's the respectable thing to do in here. I don't mind buying the man a drink.
- What you guys got against each other, anyway?
- Can't remember.
- So how'd you end up brawling?
- Started drinking together.
- Who? Horseface?
- That his name? He go by Horseface?
- That's the name I gave for his face. Yea, I know him.
- He a friend?
- Hell no.
- Saw you was nodding towards him. Everyone here looks mean.
- They all look it. Some are. I got in it with him last week.
- The one you was nodding to?
- We came to blows. I wrestled him to the ground...or fell over him, or something.
- So why'd you nod?
- Cause he was nodding to me.
- He want to start it up again?
- Don't look it.
- You get him?
- I'm walking straight, ain't I?
- So why'd he nod? Sign of respect?
- I doubt it, I can't remember much of mine landing.
- He get some good ones in?
- They landed.
- Man thinks you the one calling truce, by the looks of it.
- Fuck him, I couldn't feel nothing from his.
- So how you guys in the same room greeting?
- I'm here to get my drink. He's here to do the same, I imagine.
- You cross paths, want I step in? He got his friends?
- Shouldn't be a problem. Thanks though. I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Man buys me a drink, I'll accept it. It's the respectable thing to do in here. I don't mind buying the man a drink.
- What you guys got against each other, anyway?
- Can't remember.
- So how'd you end up brawling?
- Started drinking together.
Fuck You, Sinclair (extending arms)
- I'm sorry.
- If you were sorry you wouldn't have done it in the first place.
- Oh, come on, baby, what kind of argument is that? Of course I couldn't be sorry when I did it—
- And while you were doing it, right?
- Well, it's impossible for me to think that way, along those lines, I couldn't—
- (zoo impression) Along those lines, along those lines. That's such a copout. You knew what was going to—you know what, I don't care. I just don't care—I'm gonna go to my mother's.
- Yea, that's good, baby, sleep it off.
- This is it.
- What!?
- This is it, Sinclair. I'm not going to do this anymore.
- Oh, come on. It's a part of recovery.
- You're always in recovery, even while you're high.
- But you are! Look, if you consider my stretch in (extending arms) the long run...
- Your stretch?
- If you look at my stretch with soft eyes...
- Oh piss off!
- What about Wrestlemania? We were doing so good again after that.
- Yea, we were. You know, I forgave you for Monica. At least you were having sex with a another person. Neanderthal that you are, that's normal human behavior for you.
- Fuck that fruit punch ignoramus.
- Ignoramus? You looked up a new word from your cartoons?
- She seduced me. You know she spiked our Gatorade that day. I told you.
- Oh piss off, Sinclair. You were looking for a drinking buddy...but I don't care anymore. I'm not going to do this.
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying Fuck you, Sinclair.
- Come on, I was cool after Wrestlemania.
- Yea, for like a month.
- So then I got back to you again.
- Yea, for another month!
- I'm sorry!
- I'm going to my mother's. It should give you time to delete all the porn from the computer. I'll be back to get my stuff.
- I'm sorry.
- You can keep the computer. You know, I'm done thinking about you, wondering what's going to happen when our neighbors find out you really liked their profiles—
- I can't do this right now.
- When my cousins find out...their husbands find out.
- Can you at least wait till I—I can't think! Can you wait till I clear up my head and not yell at me.
- I'm not your mother, I'm not yelling at you—Fuck you! And who's that one? Is that DP & Bruiser's new escort? Oh good memories. That's a lot of angles, Sinclair. You're a subtle artist! Are you sure you don't get in some shots of Bruiser's trunks?
- Please stop, baby.
- Maybe I'll do that. And then I'll call him and tell him to come over. I don't have to worry about him—
- Fuck you!
- He'll build me a good one.
- Fuck you!
- No Fuck you, Sinclair. Hold on, let me grab my photo albums. You're going to be the only guy in the world who's single and still not faithful.
- If you were sorry you wouldn't have done it in the first place.
- Oh, come on, baby, what kind of argument is that? Of course I couldn't be sorry when I did it—
- And while you were doing it, right?
- Well, it's impossible for me to think that way, along those lines, I couldn't—
- (zoo impression) Along those lines, along those lines. That's such a copout. You knew what was going to—you know what, I don't care. I just don't care—I'm gonna go to my mother's.
- Yea, that's good, baby, sleep it off.
- This is it.
- What!?
- This is it, Sinclair. I'm not going to do this anymore.
- Oh, come on. It's a part of recovery.
- You're always in recovery, even while you're high.
- But you are! Look, if you consider my stretch in (extending arms) the long run...
- Your stretch?
- If you look at my stretch with soft eyes...
- Oh piss off!
- What about Wrestlemania? We were doing so good again after that.
- Yea, we were. You know, I forgave you for Monica. At least you were having sex with a another person. Neanderthal that you are, that's normal human behavior for you.
- Fuck that fruit punch ignoramus.
- Ignoramus? You looked up a new word from your cartoons?
- She seduced me. You know she spiked our Gatorade that day. I told you.
- Oh piss off, Sinclair. You were looking for a drinking buddy...but I don't care anymore. I'm not going to do this.
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying Fuck you, Sinclair.
- Come on, I was cool after Wrestlemania.
- Yea, for like a month.
- So then I got back to you again.
- Yea, for another month!
- I'm sorry!
- I'm going to my mother's. It should give you time to delete all the porn from the computer. I'll be back to get my stuff.
- I'm sorry.
- You can keep the computer. You know, I'm done thinking about you, wondering what's going to happen when our neighbors find out you really liked their profiles—
- I can't do this right now.
- When my cousins find out...their husbands find out.
- Can you at least wait till I—I can't think! Can you wait till I clear up my head and not yell at me.
- I'm not your mother, I'm not yelling at you—Fuck you! And who's that one? Is that DP & Bruiser's new escort? Oh good memories. That's a lot of angles, Sinclair. You're a subtle artist! Are you sure you don't get in some shots of Bruiser's trunks?
- Please stop, baby.
- Maybe I'll do that. And then I'll call him and tell him to come over. I don't have to worry about him—
- Fuck you!
- He'll build me a good one.
- Fuck you!
- No Fuck you, Sinclair. Hold on, let me grab my photo albums. You're going to be the only guy in the world who's single and still not faithful.
kicking and screaming (apropos of the drought)
- Give it up for our next contestant.
- Thank you. All right, all right... First off, how many of you think you're better than me? I see...so you think you're better than me, huh? Usually it's just one or two people next to me at the bar who think they're better than me. All right...simmer down now, folks. You ever have one of them days where you doubt your perception of reality is solid? Oh...I don't either. Let's see here... How bout this: You ever picture what your friends will look like when they're 80? And then when you try to picture yourself there's a big red X because you'll be dead by the time you're 40? Oh...
...I don't either.
You guys like the macabre stuff, ey? Let's see, do you ever distrust everything and feel like you don't know anything about what's really going on in the world, the presidency, the economy--that the world is really controlled by 5 or 6 people about whom you've never heard, will never know...and they're all just laughing at us pursing our dreams? Yea? I wish I was one of those people.
I wish I was like the 7th person.
Don't all clap at once, now. Hmm, what else? Do you ever have some discomfort in your body, can't walk right or feel your back uneasy, and you catch some stranger looking at you, as a stranger would, and you kind of embellish it a little, your pain? That in that moment you feel the person that may otherwise hate you for, you know, your race, ethnicity, color whatever, what you incite in his mind, he may just see you as another person, someone who's just in pain and acknowledge it to himself—even though you're not really in any pain? No? Oh, I don't either.
- Thank you. All right, all right... First off, how many of you think you're better than me? I see...so you think you're better than me, huh? Usually it's just one or two people next to me at the bar who think they're better than me. All right...simmer down now, folks. You ever have one of them days where you doubt your perception of reality is solid? Oh...I don't either. Let's see here... How bout this: You ever picture what your friends will look like when they're 80? And then when you try to picture yourself there's a big red X because you'll be dead by the time you're 40? Oh...
...I don't either.
You guys like the macabre stuff, ey? Let's see, do you ever distrust everything and feel like you don't know anything about what's really going on in the world, the presidency, the economy--that the world is really controlled by 5 or 6 people about whom you've never heard, will never know...and they're all just laughing at us pursing our dreams? Yea? I wish I was one of those people.
I wish I was like the 7th person.
Don't all clap at once, now. Hmm, what else? Do you ever have some discomfort in your body, can't walk right or feel your back uneasy, and you catch some stranger looking at you, as a stranger would, and you kind of embellish it a little, your pain? That in that moment you feel the person that may otherwise hate you for, you know, your race, ethnicity, color whatever, what you incite in his mind, he may just see you as another person, someone who's just in pain and acknowledge it to himself—even though you're not really in any pain? No? Oh, I don't either.
How bout you two, are you together? Yea? You dating? You're not sure, yet, huh? The one that said "Not Sure" wants them to be more than friends. I'm just kidding--you know if you guys get closer you can start having sex, right? Whenever you want. You guys can get together, and agree to have sex. Not here though, not literally closer here. Oh, what am I saying? That's a given!
...Have you ever pictured each other naked? Ooh, tough crowd, tough crowd. I know how awkward it must be for you if I'm not funny. I know there's at least a couple of you self-absorption posterboys in the audience who get neurotic about being an audience member...Yea, I picked you out during the last act when he made the audience get up and have to dance.
I'm just kidding, folks--Cahoooooooooo-kie crisp! You know I'm newly married? That's right, I'm domesticated. It's great--Listen, I was stationed in one of those wars we're in, with ISIS, or jihad, or the Soviets or whatever, and my battalion was in a do-or-die situation we had to go into that building; oh, we were facing imminent death we had to risk our lives to save the country...I wouldn't go in cause I wanted to keep having sex with my wife!
That was last week... You know, my wife and I run a business together? We make breakfast burritos. We close at 11AM sharp. You know it's amazing, you come to this country, you pursue your dreams, get married and have sex with your wife...then one day you get beat up by three longshoremen because you won't make them a burrito at 11:05AM!
Yea, you know, there's a lot of violence in this country and you're forced to protect your own sometimes. One night, someone broke in to our place of business and set the alarm off. When we got there, the entrance window was shattered oh everything was a mess and the cops hadn't showed up yet. My wife says to me,
"Go in and have a look."
I tell her,
"Why don't you go in and have a look?"
But those guys were big fans of our sauce, the longshoremen--what am I saying? They made me give them the recipe so they could sell it on the pier. Then they made me make them the breakfast burrito as my wife watched.
We didn't have sex that night.
He told me to put more bacon in there--go on, put more bacon in there! he said. I told him it was unfair, it was too much! I told him, but he called me a baconbitch. My wife started goading them on, She told me not to get cheap on them, I guess our unresolved issues started coming to light.
One of the longshoremen's names was Al. It was shortened from Albatross cause his dad hated him probably. That's why he's violent and got such a hungry streak.
I'm losing you, huh? Good. Go. Fine. Good. Stay there. You know the difference between grape and grapefruit? The grapefruit works for the government. What else--Oh,dogs! You wanna talk about dogs? Yea, I got two dogs...I feed them some of my scraps they're so cute, you know. Here's some pictures of them. Just scroll and pass the phone around. You know, dogs are a lot like humans. That's right, they are. They're not dumb, so if you're crying in front of a 10 year old one-eyed or cock-eyed, or stitch-eyed pitbull on his second run in the kennel...move the fuck on, please! Thank you. That should give me street cred... Yea, I just throw the tid-bit food on the ground while I'm eating, the whole floor is their plate. I don't want them chewing my fingers off...I lost a couple while having sex with my wife! Oh! you laughed don't deny it!
Anyway, the little fat one doesn't initially eat what I give her. She collects all the food and makes herself a dinner plate like humans. Yea, just pass it around. If you flip through there's some pictures of my mom and aunt scuba diving. They're really great. Everybody look to the person next to you, make sure no one steals the phone. Can't afford it, the security here is only licenced to carry a cap gun. This place used to be a bootcamp for puppies.
I'll tell ya, I'm so jaded, when I have nightmares, I open my eyes and say dryly, Mom....Ah, I don't know, I cry a lot for no reason, sometimes in my dreams, sometimes after a gig...sometimes my jokes are funnier in my dreams... I don't know, maybe I need to get into a fist fight,... Who wants to fist fight me? You there, the enthusiastic sully looking figure. Yep, you. Come on up.... Yep...and we'll fist fight. Don't be shy...I've give you the first hit. Come on, I've been on your wife's Facebook profile...while you were sleeping. Come on, everybody, cheer us on. Say, Dicks and cock and cunt and balls and dicks and cock and cunt and balls and...
(fist fight ensues)
...Have you ever pictured each other naked? Ooh, tough crowd, tough crowd. I know how awkward it must be for you if I'm not funny. I know there's at least a couple of you self-absorption posterboys in the audience who get neurotic about being an audience member...Yea, I picked you out during the last act when he made the audience get up and have to dance.
I'm just kidding, folks--Cahoooooooooo-kie crisp! You know I'm newly married? That's right, I'm domesticated. It's great--Listen, I was stationed in one of those wars we're in, with ISIS, or jihad, or the Soviets or whatever, and my battalion was in a do-or-die situation we had to go into that building; oh, we were facing imminent death we had to risk our lives to save the country...I wouldn't go in cause I wanted to keep having sex with my wife!
That was last week... You know, my wife and I run a business together? We make breakfast burritos. We close at 11AM sharp. You know it's amazing, you come to this country, you pursue your dreams, get married and have sex with your wife...then one day you get beat up by three longshoremen because you won't make them a burrito at 11:05AM!
Yea, you know, there's a lot of violence in this country and you're forced to protect your own sometimes. One night, someone broke in to our place of business and set the alarm off. When we got there, the entrance window was shattered oh everything was a mess and the cops hadn't showed up yet. My wife says to me,
"Go in and have a look."
I tell her,
"Why don't you go in and have a look?"
But those guys were big fans of our sauce, the longshoremen--what am I saying? They made me give them the recipe so they could sell it on the pier. Then they made me make them the breakfast burrito as my wife watched.
We didn't have sex that night.
He told me to put more bacon in there--go on, put more bacon in there! he said. I told him it was unfair, it was too much! I told him, but he called me a baconbitch. My wife started goading them on, She told me not to get cheap on them, I guess our unresolved issues started coming to light.
One of the longshoremen's names was Al. It was shortened from Albatross cause his dad hated him probably. That's why he's violent and got such a hungry streak.
I'm losing you, huh? Good. Go. Fine. Good. Stay there. You know the difference between grape and grapefruit? The grapefruit works for the government. What else--Oh,dogs! You wanna talk about dogs? Yea, I got two dogs...I feed them some of my scraps they're so cute, you know. Here's some pictures of them. Just scroll and pass the phone around. You know, dogs are a lot like humans. That's right, they are. They're not dumb, so if you're crying in front of a 10 year old one-eyed or cock-eyed, or stitch-eyed pitbull on his second run in the kennel...move the fuck on, please! Thank you. That should give me street cred... Yea, I just throw the tid-bit food on the ground while I'm eating, the whole floor is their plate. I don't want them chewing my fingers off...I lost a couple while having sex with my wife! Oh! you laughed don't deny it!
Anyway, the little fat one doesn't initially eat what I give her. She collects all the food and makes herself a dinner plate like humans. Yea, just pass it around. If you flip through there's some pictures of my mom and aunt scuba diving. They're really great. Everybody look to the person next to you, make sure no one steals the phone. Can't afford it, the security here is only licenced to carry a cap gun. This place used to be a bootcamp for puppies.
I'll tell ya, I'm so jaded, when I have nightmares, I open my eyes and say dryly, Mom....Ah, I don't know, I cry a lot for no reason, sometimes in my dreams, sometimes after a gig...sometimes my jokes are funnier in my dreams... I don't know, maybe I need to get into a fist fight,... Who wants to fist fight me? You there, the enthusiastic sully looking figure. Yep, you. Come on up.... Yep...and we'll fist fight. Don't be shy...I've give you the first hit. Come on, I've been on your wife's Facebook profile...while you were sleeping. Come on, everybody, cheer us on. Say, Dicks and cock and cunt and balls and dicks and cock and cunt and balls and...
(fist fight ensues)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
