- Give it up for our next contestant.
- Thank you. All right, all right... First off, how many of you think you're better than me? I see...so you think you're better than me, huh? Usually it's just one or two people next to me at the bar who think they're better than me. All right...simmer down now, folks. You ever have one of them days where you doubt your perception of reality is solid? Oh...I don't either. Let's see here... How bout this: You ever picture what your friends will look like when they're 80? And then when you try to picture yourself there's a big red X because you'll be dead by the time you're 40? Oh...
...I don't either.
You guys like the macabre stuff, ey? Let's see, do you ever distrust everything and feel like you don't know anything about what's really going on in the world, the presidency, the economy--that the world is really controlled by 5 or 6 people about whom you've never heard, will never know...and they're all just laughing at us pursing our dreams? Yea? I wish I was one of those people.
I wish I was like the 7th person.
Don't all clap at once, now. Hmm, what else? Do you ever have some discomfort in your body, can't walk right or feel your back uneasy, and you catch some stranger looking at you, as a stranger would, and you kind of embellish it a little, your pain? That in that moment you feel the person that may otherwise hate you for, you know, your race, ethnicity, color whatever, what you incite in his mind, he may just see you as another person, someone who's just in pain and acknowledge it to himself—even though you're not really in any pain? No? Oh, I don't either.
- Thank you. All right, all right... First off, how many of you think you're better than me? I see...so you think you're better than me, huh? Usually it's just one or two people next to me at the bar who think they're better than me. All right...simmer down now, folks. You ever have one of them days where you doubt your perception of reality is solid? Oh...I don't either. Let's see here... How bout this: You ever picture what your friends will look like when they're 80? And then when you try to picture yourself there's a big red X because you'll be dead by the time you're 40? Oh...
...I don't either.
You guys like the macabre stuff, ey? Let's see, do you ever distrust everything and feel like you don't know anything about what's really going on in the world, the presidency, the economy--that the world is really controlled by 5 or 6 people about whom you've never heard, will never know...and they're all just laughing at us pursing our dreams? Yea? I wish I was one of those people.
I wish I was like the 7th person.
Don't all clap at once, now. Hmm, what else? Do you ever have some discomfort in your body, can't walk right or feel your back uneasy, and you catch some stranger looking at you, as a stranger would, and you kind of embellish it a little, your pain? That in that moment you feel the person that may otherwise hate you for, you know, your race, ethnicity, color whatever, what you incite in his mind, he may just see you as another person, someone who's just in pain and acknowledge it to himself—even though you're not really in any pain? No? Oh, I don't either.
How bout you two, are you together? Yea? You dating? You're not sure, yet, huh? The one that said "Not Sure" wants them to be more than friends. I'm just kidding--you know if you guys get closer you can start having sex, right? Whenever you want. You guys can get together, and agree to have sex. Not here though, not literally closer here. Oh, what am I saying? That's a given!
...Have you ever pictured each other naked? Ooh, tough crowd, tough crowd. I know how awkward it must be for you if I'm not funny. I know there's at least a couple of you self-absorption posterboys in the audience who get neurotic about being an audience member...Yea, I picked you out during the last act when he made the audience get up and have to dance.
I'm just kidding, folks--Cahoooooooooo-kie crisp! You know I'm newly married? That's right, I'm domesticated. It's great--Listen, I was stationed in one of those wars we're in, with ISIS, or jihad, or the Soviets or whatever, and my battalion was in a do-or-die situation we had to go into that building; oh, we were facing imminent death we had to risk our lives to save the country...I wouldn't go in cause I wanted to keep having sex with my wife!
That was last week... You know, my wife and I run a business together? We make breakfast burritos. We close at 11AM sharp. You know it's amazing, you come to this country, you pursue your dreams, get married and have sex with your wife...then one day you get beat up by three longshoremen because you won't make them a burrito at 11:05AM!
Yea, you know, there's a lot of violence in this country and you're forced to protect your own sometimes. One night, someone broke in to our place of business and set the alarm off. When we got there, the entrance window was shattered oh everything was a mess and the cops hadn't showed up yet. My wife says to me,
"Go in and have a look."
I tell her,
"Why don't you go in and have a look?"
But those guys were big fans of our sauce, the longshoremen--what am I saying? They made me give them the recipe so they could sell it on the pier. Then they made me make them the breakfast burrito as my wife watched.
We didn't have sex that night.
He told me to put more bacon in there--go on, put more bacon in there! he said. I told him it was unfair, it was too much! I told him, but he called me a baconbitch. My wife started goading them on, She told me not to get cheap on them, I guess our unresolved issues started coming to light.
One of the longshoremen's names was Al. It was shortened from Albatross cause his dad hated him probably. That's why he's violent and got such a hungry streak.
I'm losing you, huh? Good. Go. Fine. Good. Stay there. You know the difference between grape and grapefruit? The grapefruit works for the government. What else--Oh,dogs! You wanna talk about dogs? Yea, I got two dogs...I feed them some of my scraps they're so cute, you know. Here's some pictures of them. Just scroll and pass the phone around. You know, dogs are a lot like humans. That's right, they are. They're not dumb, so if you're crying in front of a 10 year old one-eyed or cock-eyed, or stitch-eyed pitbull on his second run in the kennel...move the fuck on, please! Thank you. That should give me street cred... Yea, I just throw the tid-bit food on the ground while I'm eating, the whole floor is their plate. I don't want them chewing my fingers off...I lost a couple while having sex with my wife! Oh! you laughed don't deny it!
Anyway, the little fat one doesn't initially eat what I give her. She collects all the food and makes herself a dinner plate like humans. Yea, just pass it around. If you flip through there's some pictures of my mom and aunt scuba diving. They're really great. Everybody look to the person next to you, make sure no one steals the phone. Can't afford it, the security here is only licenced to carry a cap gun. This place used to be a bootcamp for puppies.
I'll tell ya, I'm so jaded, when I have nightmares, I open my eyes and say dryly, Mom....Ah, I don't know, I cry a lot for no reason, sometimes in my dreams, sometimes after a gig...sometimes my jokes are funnier in my dreams... I don't know, maybe I need to get into a fist fight,... Who wants to fist fight me? You there, the enthusiastic sully looking figure. Yep, you. Come on up.... Yep...and we'll fist fight. Don't be shy...I've give you the first hit. Come on, I've been on your wife's Facebook profile...while you were sleeping. Come on, everybody, cheer us on. Say, Dicks and cock and cunt and balls and dicks and cock and cunt and balls and...
(fist fight ensues)
...Have you ever pictured each other naked? Ooh, tough crowd, tough crowd. I know how awkward it must be for you if I'm not funny. I know there's at least a couple of you self-absorption posterboys in the audience who get neurotic about being an audience member...Yea, I picked you out during the last act when he made the audience get up and have to dance.
I'm just kidding, folks--Cahoooooooooo-kie crisp! You know I'm newly married? That's right, I'm domesticated. It's great--Listen, I was stationed in one of those wars we're in, with ISIS, or jihad, or the Soviets or whatever, and my battalion was in a do-or-die situation we had to go into that building; oh, we were facing imminent death we had to risk our lives to save the country...I wouldn't go in cause I wanted to keep having sex with my wife!
That was last week... You know, my wife and I run a business together? We make breakfast burritos. We close at 11AM sharp. You know it's amazing, you come to this country, you pursue your dreams, get married and have sex with your wife...then one day you get beat up by three longshoremen because you won't make them a burrito at 11:05AM!
Yea, you know, there's a lot of violence in this country and you're forced to protect your own sometimes. One night, someone broke in to our place of business and set the alarm off. When we got there, the entrance window was shattered oh everything was a mess and the cops hadn't showed up yet. My wife says to me,
"Go in and have a look."
I tell her,
"Why don't you go in and have a look?"
But those guys were big fans of our sauce, the longshoremen--what am I saying? They made me give them the recipe so they could sell it on the pier. Then they made me make them the breakfast burrito as my wife watched.
We didn't have sex that night.
He told me to put more bacon in there--go on, put more bacon in there! he said. I told him it was unfair, it was too much! I told him, but he called me a baconbitch. My wife started goading them on, She told me not to get cheap on them, I guess our unresolved issues started coming to light.
One of the longshoremen's names was Al. It was shortened from Albatross cause his dad hated him probably. That's why he's violent and got such a hungry streak.
I'm losing you, huh? Good. Go. Fine. Good. Stay there. You know the difference between grape and grapefruit? The grapefruit works for the government. What else--Oh,dogs! You wanna talk about dogs? Yea, I got two dogs...I feed them some of my scraps they're so cute, you know. Here's some pictures of them. Just scroll and pass the phone around. You know, dogs are a lot like humans. That's right, they are. They're not dumb, so if you're crying in front of a 10 year old one-eyed or cock-eyed, or stitch-eyed pitbull on his second run in the kennel...move the fuck on, please! Thank you. That should give me street cred... Yea, I just throw the tid-bit food on the ground while I'm eating, the whole floor is their plate. I don't want them chewing my fingers off...I lost a couple while having sex with my wife! Oh! you laughed don't deny it!
Anyway, the little fat one doesn't initially eat what I give her. She collects all the food and makes herself a dinner plate like humans. Yea, just pass it around. If you flip through there's some pictures of my mom and aunt scuba diving. They're really great. Everybody look to the person next to you, make sure no one steals the phone. Can't afford it, the security here is only licenced to carry a cap gun. This place used to be a bootcamp for puppies.
I'll tell ya, I'm so jaded, when I have nightmares, I open my eyes and say dryly, Mom....Ah, I don't know, I cry a lot for no reason, sometimes in my dreams, sometimes after a gig...sometimes my jokes are funnier in my dreams... I don't know, maybe I need to get into a fist fight,... Who wants to fist fight me? You there, the enthusiastic sully looking figure. Yep, you. Come on up.... Yep...and we'll fist fight. Don't be shy...I've give you the first hit. Come on, I've been on your wife's Facebook profile...while you were sleeping. Come on, everybody, cheer us on. Say, Dicks and cock and cunt and balls and dicks and cock and cunt and balls and...
(fist fight ensues)
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