Just Another Day

(ring-ring)

- Yea?

- Good morning starshine...

- Lou?  What time is it?

- 3:35.

- What?  Why?  

- You can tell my wifey tone?

- What happened?

- Did it help at least?

- At little...wha' happen, Lou?

- Need you down at headquarters.

- Now?

- He wrote her a letter.

- So what, was it long?
- Dog barking?
- Yea, you ruined her groove.  Lou, the perp's whole blog's a letter, a masturbating letter.
- I know you guys have been working hard.
- Oh, sleep, oh, yea.
- You know what Shakespeare said about sleep.
- Yea, he's for it.
- Didn't some other guy named Bill or Sam—
- Ok, well, I'll see ya' Lou.

- Special week—It's her birthday, Earl.  He's trying to put on his best front.

- What, in a cheap tuxedo with missing teeth?  How'd it sound?

- Convoluted.  He slips in a few rants at least.

- Ah, the good old days, huh?

- It's got novelty value.

- Wait—so what?  Files don't put that under "Holiday Warnings."  What about Dave?

- Told me to fuck off.  Told him to go fuck himself.

- Well, then I reserve the right to do the same.  I'm working on my own letter.

- Bet you were sleeping comfortably like a masturbating buffoon.  Ah, it's all right, buddy, you can take pointers along the way.  He's a great writer.  Come on, Earl, half the staff is either under the storm, the weather, or researching the weather.  They're fans of his work.

- I don't get it.  What's the big hurry?  He can't give it a few days?  It's the weekend.

- He thinks she's right at the end of it, more so now.

- How many time zones is this schmuck working with?

- We had him seeing her in two different places at once, see if we can't expedite things up, what with the budget cuts.  

- And he don't catch on?

- Oh, he thinks she's on the phone with her mother while making travel plans.  You know those kids that lie because they have a big imagination?

- Fuck him, I have a big headache.  I was drinking tequila with Hanna's dad—we don't live together or nothing.
- Where does it say you can't—
- Yea.  Hanna said to go with him but he pushed me away.  I lost track of time and when she busted in, he was on the ground with his arm in the toilet.  He had accidentally turned the bathroom heater on with the light.

- That's rough.

- Yea I took a picture.

- We need to nip this thing in the butt, Earl.  The tech guys went home early; based on recent activity patterns, I said it was okay.  Seemed harmless.  One of them's barely seen his kid.

- What we wouldn't do without our nerd angels.

- Then it got alarming.  Started checking his stats quicker than I can breathe.

- Like Chuck with the can.

- You bet.  When we left him he was trying to figure out HTML.  We figured it should keep him busy.  The guy's two worlds behind.

- Yea so what?

- Then the posts come in.  He went on a hunger strike, but forgot and posted his morning burrito.

- A breakfast burrito, of course.

- Went on some shpeel about crying her name in his dreams, and then his dog getting run over by a slow moving truck he wouldn't listen to him, he woke up screaming, or something.

- He tried to warn the truck or the dog wasn't listening to him?

- I don't know, the dog probably.

- I hate those when you can't move motion fast enough.  

- You try to scream and it ends up a whimper.

- Did the dog make it?

- Guys like him they never hit the ground. 

- You know sometimes I have dreams where I'm arguing with Hanna about something, but at least she's there when I wake up.

- Earl—

- Yea, I know.  That's a Babeness Protection Emergency.

- See if you can get in there and hit him with the pageview before our nerd angels come in.

- It's like giving the dog his reward.  I'll see what I can do.
- Good boy.

~~~~>

Dear Reader "What the fuck is this shit?"

Three cents.  The little prick's going to make me break my five for three lousy cents.  I'll break three of his fingers, call his mother, ask for directions or say it's a wrong number, all the while little pumpkin won't know what I know about her life that's going to break her shrewd heart.  If he's this stingy now, what a monster he'll be at age something.  The little monster.  He's little now but he'll be a monster later, get it?  And don't ask me why I'd ask for directions over the cord.  To a stranger, no less, you'll say.  Fuck you, reader!  She ain't no stranger—I just broke her son's arms.  I'm going to be a big part of her thoughts now.  I'll break her back; hurt her sales, she'll have to hire outside of the family.  Oh, she's got insurance for him, you can bet—the amount of pastrami they sell?  Everyone knows this place.  

It's $5.43.  Not bad.  That's why I come here.  When they raised their prices, I gave them some lip, not too much, just some.  My mistake was putting the two fives down.  I said—I mean, I was cool—I said, Hold on, I got the change in my pocket.  No fiddlin' no nothin' I took out the 40 cents from my pocket here it is kid and gave it to him, kicked him in the butt and sent him on his way.

You prolly want to give me the 5 back, I said, as he stared down counting the change.  I'll have it for you some other... The two fives were still laying there like a little baggie on your way to AA.  I told him the analogy—he barely spoke English.  I said stay in school kid, he said much good it did you.  I said I thought you didn't speak English, he said where's my three cents?  Poor sap's mother has him working at 3:30PM.  

He stared down at the change; he didn't want to look up in that moment.  It's a quick moment when you realize the person in front of you don't want to look up and he's too befuddled to know that you know.  Are you racked with tension, kid?  Stupid kid.  He didn't answer.  I knew he was uneasy, and this was going to be unpleasant.  So, what do you want to do?  He asked.  Even I didn't know where he was staring.  His nervousness was unnerving and it was killing my mood.  I wanted to off his entire family, his classmates, the girl he wanted to call on a landline today but has to work and the goddamn teacher for giving him all that homework.  Let me see it, I told him.

He came around the counter we pulled up two chairs and spread the busy work out on a small table and I said, What the fuck is this shit, kid?  That's what I'm saying, he said.  He sat there leaning on one arm and I kind of knew, that if I pushed him he'd fall.  When I saw the dingy piece of wet lettuce on today's algebra, I knew that my elbows were probably smeared with mustard you fuckin kid you forgot to wipe down the table first—right to the back of the head.  Up!  I said. 

He went back around and I said Just take the ten, then!  And the 40 cents?  I knew what he meant.  "Whatever," I quickly replied.  There's a v right there, man.  He heard my tone.  He knew what I meant.  He gave me $4.97 back.  The word itself under quotations.  Women have heard my tone, too.  It sounds like his father's tone.  That's why I'm divorced 5 times and living like a hobo writing soap operas and crime fighter stories while turning over in a van down by the river.  The van is the only good part of my life.  Later I sunk the van and am living with memories of the van, along with the van when it was sunk.  Stay in school kid, I said.  You can't unlearn what you have learned.  The kid was such a bozo.  I wanted to steal a freakin' avocado in its crate by the bathroom.  These Asians, they stuff all their new produce by the entrance to the bathroom.  I knew I'd be no better than the bozo kid if I were to steal it; right there I could stuff it in my pocket.  I knew they had to deal with customers all the time, who don't want their good mood to be ruined and don't care there's a family back here.  So I went back to the counter and bought a can of diet coke.  I asked if there was tax on top of the dollar and he said No.  I had changed my tone but I still don't like him...that...that bozo kid, man!  I bought my coke and sat down knowing I was about to steal an avocado and there was a v in it.

When he said my sandwich was ready, he asked if I wanted some ranch with it.  His mom never asks me if I want ranch, the bitch charges me for it.  I said I didn't need it and went over to the condiment section, which was by the bathroom and the crates, and stared longingly at the avocados.  I squirted some brown mustard onto my pastrami, damn near empty, I said, and looked up at him, real dirty.  The sandwich was delicious.  I asked him if they don't have that one Nora Jones song on their jukebox, Don't Know Why.  He said this is a donut shop, we don't have a jukebox.  I gave him another dirty look.

this little babies gonna be called worcally (wrg)

I'm having a good day mentally but no so much worcally.  And—and this black guy on a bicycle called me brother, which was like, spot on.  I would have ran him over with my truck if he hadn't said anything.  Yea, I had to make an illegal you turn so what I remembered gas was cheaper down the street no problem, and he smiled—him he smiled*, he said, Watch yourself, brother before I could plough into him.  I was looking somewhere else, you know?  But, I mean, I still I got the brother out of him.  

He can't take it back—I'm too far away.  And I basically saved his life by not running him over.  I would've taken the brother out of him, you can bet.  I mean, he doesn't drive a truck.  Babe, he doesn't drive a truck—I drive a truck.  Whoomp! whoomp!  Okay, that was wrong.  I mean, he might drive a truck...black guys drive trucks.  Okay, look, I'm running around.  I'm late.  Who's that?  It's me again—I'm talking.  Can you feel me?  Feel me here, and here.  Now feel my heart again.  I've had to make two trips back already, to previous places that I had been and was not supposed to have been again, but, I mean...I don't know...I keep forgetting things—I'm so excited!  

And then in the morning I made a left turn like an active driver, whereby I don't hold up traffic at the stop sign but get in the middle lane once oncoming traffic dies down and wait for space or a nice one.  Stop signs are the devil.  They get away with so much and they'll get in your way, even if it's clear, you can bet.  Cops know this, but don't think of them as cops, but police officers, unless you're married to one—don't tell them we've been betting either because it's useless they don't need to know everything, next thing you know you're giving away your grandmother.  You can say I'm a copwife or a man's cop at the local jive bar.  Fuck stop signs.  They are the poor man's red light.  

And this guy let me pass, he was nice, but I wasn't paying attention and the car behind him honked and he drove past eyeglaring me.  I tried to yell out,  No!  No! It's not what you think come back!  But he was far away two far aways and I was in one despair so I held my head with one hand no big deal stuck the middle finger out with the other to let the guys know, Go on without me folks, I'm not going to make this round.  Ah, he's despairing, they'll say.  

I was looking down at my coin jar, that's what I was doing.  But I wasn't counting it, it's not what you think.  It's not really a jar, it's a cup holder.  I was staring at it you don't understand I wasn't thinking how much I had in it I'm not one of those guys dammit that knows how much is in his coin jar—ah, it's not even a jar!  Now you know where I keep the coins in my car—it's not even a car.  God, it's a truck!  You know everything about me, you know that I've been looking at my cup.  You're gonna break in because you know where I keep my coins you'll look for the cup holder you son of a bitch oh shit it's the cops writing me a ticket

rgw.

* Who?  That one? 

- No, not him.  He's a sully little figure isn't he? 

- It's no brainer.  You smile at people.  

- That one. 

- Look at him, he's still got it.

yelling aside

- (Pam) Hey!  You have to pay for that.

- (Maury) Oh, I'm not going to pay.

- (Pam) Maury, he has to pay for that!

- (Maury) Oh, don't be silly, Pamelavalich.

- (Pam) He's stealing my lemonade!  (aside) Hey, come back here!

- (Maury) What, the fountain drink?

- (Pam) Yea, I saw him pour it in. (yelling aside)  Hey, you owe me for that lemonade!

- (Maury) Oh, it was probably just ice.

- (Pam) Maury, I saw him pour it in!

- (Maury) Who?

- (Pam) That kid in that group right there!

- (Maury) Is he black?

- (Pam) I don't know, Maury, look at him.  Is he black?

- (Maury) Yes.

- (Pam) Then why'd you ask me?

- (Maury) Oh, look, there's some white children in the group, too.  It's good that they're stealing together, Nancy.

- (Pam) What?  He stole the drink!

- (Maury) Come on, Pamelavalich, let's talk about the possibility of you and I dating.

- (Pam) Maury, he has to pay for that drink.

- (Maury) Oh, look around you!  

- (Pam) I am!

- (Maury) I've stolen five candy bars since we've started talking—here, look, they're in my pocket.

- (Pam) Maury, I can't let them keep stealing from the store.

- (Maury) Who?

- (Pam) People who keep stealing.

- (Maury, Passionately) Pamelavalich, look at me!  I have a chocolate bar in my pocket!  Here, feel it—

- (Pam) Let go of me, Maury!

- (Maury)  I wish I could tell you to feel it under different circumstances—but I can't!

- (Pam) Let go!

- (Maury) Here—and in my back pocket next to my wallet.  It's next to my wallet—but I'm not going to take out my wallet, oh don't be a putz, my darling!

- (Pam) Oh, What am I to do—(breaking away) I'll call the cops!  Sandro, file a police report.

- (Sandro) They'll say he's just a kid, ma'am.

- (Pam) What am I to do, Maury?

- (Maury) Come away with me!

- (Pam) If I let him back in, he's going to steal again.  If I don't he's going to say he's black.

- (Maury) He knows nothing about love, Pamelavalich.

- (Pam) Maury, do something!

- (Maury) I'll fight him for you!

- (Pam) You would do that?

- (Maury) Anything for my chocolate bar.

- (Maury, outside) Hey kid, you got my lemonade?  Here's 5 bucks.

- (kid, walking away) I love the number 5!

The One with the Coconut Water

- I claimed a small victory today, on a woman, no less.

- What, you were able to knock her out with one punch?

- This one girl got in line behind me, and I turn around, made a couple jokes, you know, make her feel happy about her wait at least.

- You pointed out someone who was fatter?

- No, the wait—that the line was eventful, and she could at least say that she wasn't behind some Magoo when she got home.

- Oh, I see.  What were you guys waiting for?

- Oh, we were at the 7-11.

- The 7-11?

- Yea, I was at a local one.

- It's good you're buying local—

- Will you shut up, I'm trying to tell you something.

- All right, what happened, she didn't laugh?

- She didn't even, not laugh.

- Uh-oh.

- She just let it hang.  Yea, her indifference was the sea.

- Big mistake.

- That's what I was thinking.  So I turn back around, and I'm thinking, you know, all right, all right...

- You put some sugar in her tank two weeks later, that's what you do.

- I'm looking around the store and I see one of the refrigerator doors is hanging open.  

- Which one?  Not the beer one, I hope?

- It was the one with the waters, vitamin, coconut, smart—you name it.

- They got that Green Apple Perrier there?

- Oh, yea, it was crying.  

- What a crime.

- It's sitting there crying and the ice is melting.

- Good, good—add that line.  It'll give you street cred.

- So I look around, a couple guys ahead of me are buying dogs and a Big Gulp—they had a deal, you know?

- Yea.

- And then I look back at sweetheart—she's got this huge bottle of coconut water in her grip.  That one was cold, believe me.

- Anyone else in the store?

- Yea, I was in there.  So I turn back around, minding my own business, and I mutter, "Looks like the ice is melting."  I'm just trying to call her attention, you know?

- Yea, it follows—

- But no response, so I say, a bit louder into the air, "Someone forgot to close the door..." 

- And?

- Nothing.  I'm getting nothing from her.  So I bite my lip, I turn around, and I nail her.

- You really did punch her.

- I go, "You mind taking my place in line while I go close the refrigerator for you?"

- There it is.

- Yea, I definitely won that one.

- Then what happened?

- I went to close the door and I got back and stood in line behind her.

- You know, this one time I was wearing a Batman T-shirt, and this hipster told me he was a big fan.

- Of Batman?

- Of me—that I was Batman.  Get it?

- What a miserable, hipster little person.  What was his name, Kale?

- Well, he won that one.

- That's when you put some sugar—Wait, what are you trying to say?

- Today I was going to do that to someone else wearing the T-shirt, and I remembered it hurt my feelings.  I thought that if I did it though, it would be more sincere.  But that doesn't make any sense.  And if he didn't laugh, I would get my feelings hurt.  Listen—let me get five dollars—when you mistake feelings with ego you become vulnerable to using terms like hipster, or sweetheart.

- So, you think she just wasn't aware?

- I'm just saying she should have known better than to not laugh at your jokes.

- That's a good point.

- I'm glad we had this conversation.

Slowly and Shirley

- (stranger) Hello Slowly and Shirley.  Short stacks again?

- (Slowly) Why are you out of nowhere coming up and disturbing us?

- (Shirley) Oh, come now, Slowly, you're so grouchy today.

- (Slowly) Shirley, don't call me grouchy.

- (Shirley) You're such a mild bear.

- (stranger) He told me start talking to you.

- (Slowly) Who?

- (stranger) Him, up there.

- (Slowly) God?

- (stranger) No, the bloke writing this.

- (Shirley) What? Why—

- (Slowly) Shirley, I'm doing the talking here...

- (Shirley) Oh, boo!

- (Slowly, to stranger) Why?

- (stranger) Hold on.  I'll ask.

- (bloke) Tell them I'm bored and lonely.

- (stranger) He says he's bored and horny—

- (bloke) Lonely!

- (stranger) Oh, opps.  I meant, lonely.

- (Slowly, sighing) I don't care.  I'm not doing it.

- (stranger, to bloke) He says he's not gonna do it.

- (Slowly) Oww!  

- (stranger) He says do it.

- (Slowly) No—oww!  What keeps dropping on my head?

- (stranger) That's an anvil.  He says do it or next time it's an elephant.

- (enter Owner) Hey, come on guys, all jokes aside, I can't afford this right now.  Do you know what an elephant will do to the place?  I can't tell you how much it's going to cost me to put in a new roof.

- (Shirley) They'll be splinters falling in peoples' soup.

- (Owner) Children underneath a foot.

- (Shirley) Come on, Slowly, do it for me, honey.

- (stranger) The bloke says tell ladygirl to stop talking...(whispers) You're turning him on.

- (Shirley) Oow!

- (Slowly) That's it!  You freaky pervert—oww!  All right, all right!  How does this go again?

- (stranger) Tell me you're tired of people playing on her stupid name.

- (Shirley) I'm tired of the cliche, boo.

- (Slowly) Shirley, we're talkin' here!

none of your business

- (customer) How much for the Marlboro Black?

- (clerk) Let me scan it...uh, $5.76.

- (customer) Uh-uh, no way.  Hit me with a deal.

- (clerk) Hit me with go away.

- (owner, background) Hit him with the deal, Bella.

- (clerk) If you buy two, you save more.

- (customer) How much?

- (clerk) I dunno, like two dollars?

- (customer) You got it all up here, huh?

- (clerk) You want it or not?

- (customer) Hey, remember when you guys got cited for not IDing?

- (owner, background) He still here?

- (customer) That had Bella written all over it.

- (clerk) Yea, he's still talking.

- (customer) So how much will each be?

- (clerk, scoffing)

- (customer) In the 4 range?

- (clerk) Yea, less than $5.

- (customer) Okay, whatever.

- (clerk) What?

- (customer) Yes.

- (clerk) Okay.

- (cigarette rep, turning around from cigarette rack) Excuse me.  Hello, my name is Jeremy.  I'm the field representative for the industry.

- (customer) Who is this guy?

- (clerk) He's our rep.

- (customer) You work for tobacco?

 - (rep) I do.

- (customer) Yea, but you don't say that on a date, do you?

- (rep) People are still going to smoke without me.  Plus, I'm happily married.

- (customer) So you work for big tobacco, huh?

- (clerk) Jesus Christ.

- (customer) Holy Matrimony.

- (rep) Can I ask what about this brand attracts you.

- (customer) You mean, entices me?

- (rep) Yea.

- (customer) Oh, it's got sentimental value to me.

- (rep) What does that mean?

- (customer) Oh, none of your business.

- (rep) Okay.

- (customer) I'm just kidding.  I like the packaging.

- (rep) Have you ever tried Camel or Newports?

- (customer) Why?  They didn't make anything in honor of me.

- (rep) What do you mean?

- (customer) None of your business.  

- (rep) Well, I can give you a deal on a Newport Red right now.  If you buy one, it's only a dollar plus tax.

- (customer) A dollar?

- (clerk) Plus tax.

- (customer) Eh, I'll get one for Alan.  He'll smoke anything.

- (rep) Who's Alan?

- (customer) None of your business.

- (clerk) Is he the guy who drank all our coffee on Free Refill day?

- (rep) Can I ask what your name is?

- (customer) Oh, it's Alan—no, Jack.  No, Alex.

- (rep) It's okay.  I have trouble forgetting my name too.  So...Alex?  

- (customer) Since I can remember.

- (rep) Okay.  And can I just check your ID to verify you're 18?

- (customer) How flattering.

- (rep) They make me do it.  Here you go, Edgar.

- (customer) Sorry.

- (rep) Why wouldn't you tell me your real name?

- (customer) I don't give any of my dealers my real name.  Can I get a sample pack from your basket?

- (rep) I don't have a basket.

- (customer) Touché.

- Have you lost your mind?  Roll up the window.  It's freezing.

- All right, don't pressure me.  I'm going to try.

- Roll it up!

- (window up) Wanted to talk to you about something.

- (warming hands with mouth) Yea, what is it?

- Well, recently you claimed I had turned insane on account of the weather—

- I knew it.

- That thereby hurt my feelings...

- I've had it up to this much with your lead-up questions to nowhere.

- Creating a string of sensations, all of which then proceeded to also toy with my emotions.

- There are 10 men I know off the top of my head—

- 10 men live on your head?

- That are better road trip conversationalists than you.

- Do you want me to pick them up?  

- Hell no, I'd never introduce them to you.  

- Big shot gets a job and now he has high profile friends.

- Hey, this is where I fucked Nicole Velasquez.

- Yea?

- Yea, right there.  In a smelly trailer in the back of this house.

- Their trailer was in the back of their house?

- Yea, but they took the back roof off.  Don't be stupid.  And the whole time I was fucking her—

- Were you naked?

- I was thinking, I can't believe I'm fucking Nicole Velasquez!

- Why, were you lying?

- Because it was Nicole Velasquez!  Everybody wanted to fuck Nicole.  I couldn't believe I was having sex with her.  

- Yea, actually, I've done that before, too.  I forget who it was...

- That's cause you're a virgin.

- Oh, it was my ex—well, I didn't say, I can't believe I'm having sex with my ex.

- That's a good one, too.

- Because she was my girlfriend at the time.

- Obviously.

- I was thinking, I can't believe I'm having sex with her!

- Yea, it's a good feeling.

- Who else have I done that with?  Oh!  Oh shit, nevermind.

- What?

- Nothing.

- What cocksucker?

- (laughing) Guess you already know.

- Yea, she was hot, too.  Way too hot for you.

- I know.

- But you weren't thinking I'm having sex with Jen.  You were thinking, I can't believe I'm having sex with Harry's girlfriend.

- You know, I wanted to tell you since we got on this topic...

- What?

- Well, this conversation is making me very uncomfortable.

where would be my other half?

- How much you spend on that?  8, 9 bucks?

- 12.

- 12 dollars?  Oh.

- Why?

- Just asking.

- You jealous?  

- No, I'm not jealous.

- It's a character defect, you know.

- I know.

- I 'd give you half, but...you know...

- No, I don't want any...

- Where would be my other half?

- I don't want any.

- You jealous?  That I buy these...these baller burritos?

- No, I'm not jealous.  

- It's the lifestyle.

- I know.

- I live on the edge.

- On the rocks.

- You jealous that I can afford to spend all my money on killer burritos?

- That doesn't even make sense. 

- What?  Everything makes sense.

- How can you afford to spend all your money?

- Look at you—you're jealous.

- It doesn't make any sense.

- Let me tell you something—

- Yea, say something smart again—

- I don't even like burritos.  I just use it as a motive.

- It's motif, nimrod.

- You're a rod.

- You've never even said half the words you've read.

- That's cause I'm a bookworm.

- You're just stupid.  You're not a bookworm.  

- I say things—

- You don't even—

- Out loud.

- You don't even know what motif means.

- I know what it means.

- What's it mean?

- It means you're jealous.

- What's it mean?

- It means, Sit on this, cocksucker.

- You're no bookworm.

- I am.  I have so many smart thoughts.

- You're a book ox.  Quit looking at me.  Look out there.  

- I have to wear a loose beanie on account of—

- I should start bringing in food, too, for during Tammy's shares.  I could grill a lamb chop in time.

- My brain swells cause they run into each other, like 16 geniuses pacing.

- Now's your chance. 

- Sexy geniuses.

- Say something.  

- I'll do it.

- Raise your hand. 

- I'm gonna do it.  

- Give the best share they've ever heard.

- Everyone's jealous of me.

- Tell them you're the best.

before the green light

- Wow, she even pulled up to let me know she's not going to let me in. 

- I hate that tension.

- Yea, me too.

- She must not like you.

- Maybe if she got to know me she might like me.  

- Let her know something great about you in time to let you pass—you gotta win her esteem before the green light.

- She's avoiding my look.

- Make sure it's gentle.

- I am, fucker—I'm trying to look humble.

- Ah, she's not looking.

- Well, she must really love the butt of that other car.

- It's her right not to look.

- Yea, her little sphere of influence.

- Maybe it's your cigarette hanging out of the car.  It makes you look abrasive and the smoke follows you in traffic.

- Is that your way of being subtle?  Take it in, my friend.  Let me tell you something—

- Open my window first.  Jesus, take the child lock off.

- She's hiding behind the Constitution, that's what she's doing.  Her little sphere of...privacy...and non-confrontational—

- Don't be racist. 

- She's the racist one!  It's probably my arms.

- I think it's the smoke all around you.

- Well you can't fuckin' smoke anywhere in this city!  Now there's signs in open lots.  I'm telling you, I think it's a conspiracy...by your type.  

- Yea, probably.

- What's it matter, she already pulled up.  She's in love.

- She's on a date with that car.

- They're watching a movie together.

- In a theater.

- There should be a softer, feminine word in low-brow language, where you don't have to call a girl a bitch for being such a...villain.

- Yea, villain sounds off for females. Witch?  Maybe?  

- Witch is cute.  One of my friends kept calling me when she knew I couldn't pick up, and I texted her, "Stop calling me, you witch."  I thought it had a little charm to it.

- Damn, no one let you go.  We're going to be stuck in this cycle, too.

- They must have heard the news about my type down the street.  

- Ah, there's no room for emotion or personal circumstance on the road.

- There's cars behind me—Fuck this.

- What are you doing?

- Getting mine.

- This one's right turn only.

- This is exactly what causes racism.

- You're blocking traffic, man.

- I gots to.

- Oh, this is bad form.

- I'm everything I ever hated.

- (laughs) This is embarrassing.  The people at the crosswalk—

- When the light turns green I gotta cut off the first car.

- We're right next to him.

- Is he looking?

- I'm not gonna look...

- (whispering) Turn green, damn you!

- I hate that tension.

- Just don't look at him.

- I'm not gonna.

- I gotta race him.

- They're honking behind.

- Should I wave? He honked again.

- We're beyond that now.

- (whispering) Green, damn you!

- They hate your type.