2 for 2

- (clerk) That's one Select Cream Cheese Bagel and the iced tea.  Do you want anything else?

- (customer) No, that'll be all.

- (clerk) We're having a special on these drinks.  2 for $2.

- (customer) That'll be all, thanks.

- (clerk) But you're already paying $1.94 for one.

- (customer) I don't want it.

- (clerk) It's six cents more for the two of them.

- (customer) No, thank you.

- (clerk) Lady, don't be stupid.  

- (customer) Excuse me?

- (clerk) Soak the deal in.

- (customer) I don't care about the deal.  Who are you calling stupid?

- (clerk) It's a good deal.  You can give the other one away to a homeless man.

- (customer) I don't want to give it to some homeless man.

- (clerk) You can charge him six cents. 

- (customer) I can't believe this.  Where's your manager?  I want to speak to the manager.

- (clerk) Oh, he's just going to say the same thing.

- (manager) I'm the manager.  What's going on?

- (customer) This is how you run your store?  By insulting your customers?

- (manager) What happened?

- (clerk) She don't want two of these.

- (customer) He insulted me.

- (manager) Insulted her?  What?  Why?

- (clerk) She doesn't want two of the iced teas.

- (manager) So what?  Did you tell her about the deal?

- (clerk) Yea, but she don't wanna buy both.  

- (manager) It's 2 for 2.

- (clerk) She only wants the one.

- (customer) I only want to buy one, and he—

- (manager) Lady, don't be stupid; it's only six cents more.

- (customer) What?!  I can't believe this—How dare you.

- (manager) You can give it to a homeless man.

- (clerk) She doesn't want to give it to the homeless man.

- (manager) Why not?  It'll be refreshing.

- (clerk) Our products are always refreshing.

- (customer) What does that have to—I'm a customer!  You can't—

- (customer 2) What's a matter, hon?  Sounds like a square deal.

- (customer) What?  Who the hell are you?

- (customer 2) She must not want the extra calories. 

- (clerk) She's being hysterical.

- (customer 2) Lady, you don't have to drink them both at once.

- (customer) Back off, this is none of your concern.

- (clerk) She must have difficulty controlling her emotions. 

- (manager) Let's not make her flustered.

- (customer 2) How's about I pay you six cents for it, calm you down?

- (clerk) She's trying to sell it to him!

- (manager) Technically, we discourage that.  Take it outside.

- (customer) Fuck all you, I don't want any of this.  I'm reporting you!

- (customer 2) She's probably had too much caffeine.

Evan and Wooter

- (Evan) Well if you like Dostoevsky, you should read Gogol.

- (Wooter) Oh, I have read both, twice.

- (Evan) No.

- (Wooter) Oh.

- (Evan) Here, move back to that group.

- (Wooter) Okay...

- (Evan) Well if you like Dostoevsky, you should read Gogol.

- (Wooter) Oh, I have read both.

- (Evan) And I have read everything, as well...anything?

- (Wooter) I don't think so.

- (Evan) Let's try over here.  Make sure those bitches can hear us this time.

- (Wooter) What if they ask a question?

- (Evan) About what?

- (Wooter) About the books?

- (Evan) What books?

- (Wooter) The books we've read.

- (Evan) Just say you saw yourself in it.

- (Wooter) I'll say I own a book store!

- (Evan) I don't know, it's kind of a dying industry—you think that'll make her hot to trot?

- (Wooter) Oh, like a horse.  Cause, check it, whatever I don't sell, see, I read.  That's how I've gotten so smart.

- (Evan) Don't tell her you're all smart like that, though.  Smart people don't say they're smart.  They just look it.

- (Wooter) Look the part, right.  You'll tell her!  When you catch me being all pensive and shit.

- (Evan) Right, make sure you look real busy with your thoughts—or better yet, look up at a star.

- (Wooter) Oh, I got it down.

- (Evan) No doubt.

- (Wooter) And I'll do likewise with the beaver when you're looking up—Which ones are the stars?  I don't want to say I saw a shooting star and it turns out to be a helicopter.

- (Evan) Just find a cloud, and try to look through it.  Here, I see a good murky spot.  Follow the direction of my finger in the air.

- (Wooter) I see one.

- (Evan) That's the moon.  And don't squint like that—you look like you're constipated.

- (Wooter)  Man, this shit's hard.

- (Evan) Get closer to me; I'll guide your eyes.

- (Wooter) There!  Or is that an anchor buoy?

- (Evan) They don't have oceans in the sky.

- (Wooter) Yea, but an airplane might need it to tie itself around it.

- (Evan) Maybe.

- (Mariam) What about those two, Vicky?  They look dreamy.

- (Vicky) I don't know; they may be too romantic.  They're probably hot to trot for each other.

Two minds - redlight

- Whatcha lookin' at?

- I saw you run that light.

- Yea, I ran that light.  What of it?

- You did it on purpose.

- Yea I did it on purpose.  

- Yea you did it on purpose.

- So what?  You gonna do something?

- Me?  Nah, I'm not gonna do anything.  I saw you do it though.

- Yea, I did it.  So what?

- And you'll probably do it again, huh?

- Yea, I'll do it again—I'll do it all the time.

- Yea you'd love to do it all the time... It's not your first, is it?

- Whatcha you gonna do about it?

- Me? Nothing.  We're not gonna let you.

- Who?

- You prolly wanna run this one, too...

- Who's not gonna let me?

- But you can't.  

- I'll run it—

- You can't.  Traffic won't let you.  We're gonna band together and bide by the rules; we're gonna stop you.

- I'm going to get to that light.

- You're gonna stay put.

- I'm gonna get there when it turns red...

- You're gonna—

- And run it.

- You're gonna stay put. 

- I'll run the next six lights.

- Impossible!

- I'll run 'em clean!

- Not with us around you won't.

- I'll run them all.

- We'll make you yield we will.

- I don't yield to no red light.

- You don't like them red lights?

- I hate all of them.

- So you like to run lights, huh?

- Yea I run lights.  I've run lights my whole life.

- Not when you were a kid you didn't.  

- My old man ran them.

- You were a scared little boy.

- Shut your head, I trusted him.

- You're just a dreamer.  Your pops was no good.

- You watch your thought, you.  I could always count on the man.

- You had poor parental guidance.  I'm gonna discern you to death.

- I'll run all the lights by your house.

- No you won't, my mother lives there.

- I'll make her yield.

- The hell you will.

- I've made her yield before; she was good at it.

- Impossible!  She doesn't know how to yield.

- I grabbed your coffee.

- Thanks... I got piss on my knees.  Does it show on my jeans?

- You got piss on your knees?

- I was praying in the bathroom.  

- You pray in piss?  That's a new low.

- I needed to check in.  Get myself correct.  It's a new high, bozomafo.

- Can't believe you pray in piss.  I've prayed in rain before—Oh no, I called a cab.

- It had to be done. 

- People are such slobs.  

- Doesn't bother me now.  Flushed after him and everything.  

- You wipe down the seat?

- Of course.  Some girl might walk in afterwards and think it was me.  

- You know what tattoo I want to get?

- Huh?

- The Silence of the Lambs one.  Buffalo Bills's.

- That should give your skin some character.  It's pale enough.

- Once we get this wax done, I figure after I get inked, it'll be a good few weeks before all the hair covers it up again.

- Like ficus creeping through a decrepit room.

- Then when I'm in with some chick, I'll excuse myself and shave my chest real quick—then I'll come out with it!

- That'll drive her wild.

- Or chase her out of the room.

- I'm going to get one of my face.

- So she can see two of you in action, nice.

- It's not for sex.  It's for when I'm older.

- You're going to look in the mirror to see what you looked like when you were younger?

- That's why I pray.  I'm pretty narcissistic.

  

I'm hungry—where am I?

- Oh, I don't want to fill that out—my mom's not here.

- You have to fill out the form.

- You can't fill it out?

- No, I'm not going to fill it out for you.  

- Oh, it's just basic info.

- Then you can fill it out yourself—you're holding up my line.  Fill out the form and wait till your number is called.

- Is the line going to be long?

- I hope so. 

- I get lonely in long lines.

- I don't care, you have to wait in line.

- Can you wait with me?

- You know, this is a great conversation we're having—I can tell you're really popular, the type who wins affection all around...

- I'll probably win a prize.

- ...So what I suggest, since the line is really long and all, is that you move away from here, from me, from this specific area...where you can't bother nobody else—

- Where should I move, over here?

- No, not there, cause then you be botherin' Pam, and she can't handle none of you.  But in that area over there...

- Oh, over there?  I'm hungry—where am I?

- Yea, that area over there...

- Oh, that line looks long.

- It is.  I'm sure you'll find plenty other people to be botherin.'

- (walking away) I hope there's sandwiches.

The car I made flip over

I've been judging people left and right all day. One car I made flip over when I decided the driver didn't deserve to drive that vehicle, and that his sunglasses made him look like a crook, which he probably is, because he's driving that vehicle and he doesn't deserve to.  One lady almost sideswiped me; she didn't care when I straightened her out.  I looked for more reasons to hate her—that's when I spotted the baby cradle in the backseat.  I started fuming.  I turned the air conditioner all the way up, but opened the window slightly, thereby creating a vent for the smoke coming out of my ears.  I decided she was aging, and now that she had her own baby, clearly she stopped caring about anybody who wasn't her baby.  She was probably late picking baby up from baby school, that baby, so I sideswiped her.  I felt so victimized.  I assessed the situation, and decided that I was still good, and they were not; I was more important to the world, that they are talentless, and go into dentistry.  But to spite them all, I decided to stop somewhere and eat unhealthy.  

Before I got to the unhealthy spot, I pulled over to another spot to grab a soft drink from the aisles, out of spite for the unhealthy spot, wherein them would charge me an extra buck something for some of the same soda.  Once there, I spotted a bland turkey sandwich, which really had nothing to say for itself.  Just then an attendant passed by, and I abruptly grabbed him by the collar and pulled his face into the sandwich stand. 

"Where's the mayo?"

He tried helplessly to look around.  

"Don't look around; look at me," I assured him in a soft, knowing tone.

"But...but," he tried to speak in earnest, "My face is in the sandwich!" 

I eased my grip and pulled him back to me.

"There is none," he revealed curtly, looking at the floor with petulance.

"Oh." I smiled and let him go. 

He stood there momentarily, indignant and correcting himself, then he walked away.  He was gay—I could tell.  I had hurt his feelings.  I turned my attention again back to the stand, and studied the option intently.  The sandwich offered nothing but purpose.  It sat there grouped in between a bunch of slobs.

I thought of contrary action, made a couple jokes to others walking around the store, and went with the turkey.  Continuing my drive, I almost crashed into the car next to me trying to keep the pickles from falling out of my sandwich. The driver was visibly upset—ah, but it don't matter I was eating healthy.

Walking Away from the Cilantro Bar

- (smiles) I like your shirt.

- What?

- Nice shirt.

- Oh, thanks.  It's a flag.

- Oh.

- Yea, it's not from a movie, if that's what you're thinking.

- What?

- It's not from a movie.

- I see.

- Yea.

- So...you like Kazakhstan?

- (intercom, background) 281.

- It's just a flag.

- Yea, you just visited?

- (man's voice, background) 281! That's Number 281!

- Doesn't matter; it's just a flag.  It's just a regular t-shirt.  I'm just wearing a t-shirt.  You like my t-shirt...of a flag.

- Yea, I get it.

- Okay, so, take care.

- Take care, yea... You think I don't know what you're doing?

- What am I doing?  I'm trying to get some onions and cilantro.

- I know what—

- And some hot sauce, if you'll move out of the way.  Are you finished with that?

- You've returned from your travels?

- I may have.  Are you done?  I'd really like some hot sauce.

- You think I don't know what you're doing?  

- I'm trying to have a meal.

- Huh?  You fat hipster, you're trying to make a statement on me.

- (intercom, background) 282.

- I'm just trying to eat.

- I bet you're trying to eat—you're trying to get one over on me.  

- (man's voice, background) That's 282!  You want your 282!

- (continuing) What are you, gonna post it on your blog, your epic win? 

- You like my t-shirt—that's great.  Thank you; and Kazahstan's a great country.

- Yea, and what are their exports? Come on, we both know one those burritos is for your girlfriend.

- My girlfriend's over there.  She's right over there if you'll—

- It's probably your sister...

- My sister's not that hot.

- Is that your thing?  Using people to make a statement in public places?  Quiet social commentary?

- I have a lot of things—we do, in fact; most of them come from IKEA.

- And this does it for her?  Catching prey in the afternoons?  She capturing your triumph for Youtube?  

- We're just trying to have our lunch. 

- Yea, you meet in post-production?

- Thank you for your compliment towards the flag depicted on my shirt.

- I didn't compliment the flag depicted on your shirt—I complimented your shirt, asshole.

- So you like the colors depicted on my shirt?

- I like its texture.  What is that, the athletic fit?

- (intercom, background)  Order 282.

- Yea, it highlights the contours of my blubber, nicely.  Anything else?

- (man's voice, background) Come on, 282—that's 282 everybody!

- (walking away from the cilantro bar) Ah, fuck it.  Dickless Yelpsters.  I should have known.